WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As an event dreaded by millions draws near, Dr. Anthony Fauci is urging all Americans to use COVID-19 as an excuse to skip Thanksgiving with horrible relatives.
Speaking from his office at the National Institutes of Health, Fauci said that the COVID-19 excuse could help prevent a seasonal surge in exasperation and seething rage associated with the Thanksgiving holiday.
“COVID-19 could get you off the hook this year,” Fauci said. “Consider this a doctor’s note from me.”
By using the pandemic as justification for skipping Thanksgiving, Americans can spare the feelings of relatives they despise, the esteemed virologist said.
“Tell your aunt from West Virginia that you’ll miss her, but you’ll look forward to reading her QAnon theories on Facebook,” he advised.
For his part, Fauci said that he intends to employ COVID-19 as an excuse to exempt himself from other unpleasant activities. “I plan to use it to avoid seeing Rand Paul,” he said.
